Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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