So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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