i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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