4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
