I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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