...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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