Your mouth is God's brothel.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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