I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
