Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My Higher Power is John Stamos
It was confusing and full of hummus
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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