i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
