her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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