And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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