Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
40s are totally the cure
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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