So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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