i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
