you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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