i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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