And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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