I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
