just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
