Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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