Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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