I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He has the fingertips of a God
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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