Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
