sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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