Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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