I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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