i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
