Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
