i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
