I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
