my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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