you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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