Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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