Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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