Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
