shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
