Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
