Betty ford says i'm here all night
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
