My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
someone owes me an orgasm
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
