Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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