The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
