Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
