There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
