The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
