Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
