It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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