I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
