Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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