My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
