He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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