Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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