After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
