I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
