I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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