If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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