Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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